Two Samurai Duel

Two samurai, Isao and Kyuzo, each seeking saki and shelter during a night of heavy rain, became aware of each other seated separately on the tatami mats around the same low table in the bar of a country inn. The weather discouraged both travel (retreat) and outdoor swordplay, while samurai nature required evaluation of a rival’s skill (and all samurai regarded each other as potential rivals).

Talk being largely unnecessary among samurai, Isao picked up a cherry from a fruit bowl on the table, tossed it up into the darkness hiding the ceiling, then in a flash unsheathed his katana, twisted it blade up and sliced, and two halves of cherry, one pitted and one with pit, fell to the table on either side of the blade.

Kyuzo chuckled, picked up a cherry and tossed it up into the darkness above them, then all in a flash unsheathed his katana, twisted it blade up slicing, then twisted it blade down slicing, finishing with the sword held level and its blade horizontal. Two halves of cherry, pitted, fell on the table on either side of the sword, and the pit rested on the flat of Kyuzo’s blade.

Isao was impressed but not put off. There were a number of flies buzzing overhead, attracted by food that was still out, and the leftovers and scraps that had not yet been cleared away. One bluebottle fly was circling them annoyingly with a heavy buzz:

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

Isao pointed to it and said “watch.” He stood in a calm stillness like a tree in a forest, while the fly circled him.

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

In a flash he unsheathed his katana, slicing in an arc to his right —

Zuzu-uuP! —

then rested for a moment at the end of his stroke, and carefully sheathed his sword. He pointed with his outstretched palm to a part of the floor, and when a lantern was brought up close the two neatly sliced halves of the fly could be seen.

“Not bad,” said Kyuzo, and pointing to another big bluebottle fly, said “watch that big boy.”

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

He stood in a calm stillness like a tree in a forest, while the fly circled him.

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

In a flash he unsheathed his katana, slicing in a tightening arc to his right twisting into an upward cut —

Zuzu-uuP!-Zeeeeeeeeee!!…

Kyuzo sheathed his katana, as the fly raced around erratically, issuing its excited high-pitched buzz,

Zeeeeeeeeee!!…

Isao conceded.

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The above is my elaboration of a story I learned from Tom FitzPatrick, an avid rugby player, in 1978. This story is part of the vast, earthy oral tradition among rugby players. While presenting it here as text helps to preserve it in cyberspace, the audio effects which are intrinsic to an oral presentation are missing. The following “sound” definitions of letter-strings used above may help:

zuzuzuzuzu… = low-pitched, buzzing sound,

zeeeeeeeeee… = high-pitched buzzing sound,

uuP! = the sudden cessation of a low-pitched buzz.

A photo of Tom FitzPatrick’s chalkboard in February 1978 (Ah, boy talk in student days):

Hillary versus the Bernie Bro

Hillary versus the Bernie Bro

Hillary: Vote for me!

Bernie Bro: Why?

H: Because Trump is so terrible, and I’ll implement the platform Bernie Sanders made us adopt.

BB: You’ve got to be kidding. You run a bribery racket and can’t be trusted to keep any promise you haven’t been paid for.

H: You are so misinformed! I have explicitly said that I would implement the Democratic Party platform.

BB: You are guaranteed to play the public with lies and deception to get what you want, and have been paid for. That is the one constant in your life.

H: Look, you can be sure that whatever promises I break, anything I would do would be way better than anything Trump might do. No matter what, I’m better for you than Trump would be.

BB: There is no objective evidence for believing that. Since Trump is opposed by all professional Democrats, as well as most professional Republicans, it is unlikely, as President, he’s going to get much of anything done one way or the other. You, on the other hand, are supported by professional Democrats and many professional Republicans, so as president you would have a good chance of achieving your worst potential. Sorry, I’m voting for Jill.

H: How could you live with yourself, and face your friends, if you don’t vote for me and Trump wins?

BB: That’ll be easy. After finding out the kind of people that are nuts for you, nothing would please me more than to never again have anything to do with them.

H: You are deplorable.

BB: From you, a compliment. I can’t always vote for a winning candidate, but I will be able to vote in November and maintain my self-respect. Maybe someday the country will catch up, and maybe it won’t. But, I don’t have to sink down into your mud wallow with Trump.

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What They Stand For:

Hillary: The diversity of our faction in the corrupt elite exploiting the American working class is proof of our higher degree of morality and caring for the American public.

Trump: The freeing of the American working class to publicly express its various bigotries without shame is proof of our higher degree of honesty and caring for the American public.

Jill: People over profits, now and forever!

Johnson: No taxes! Even if extinction is required.

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How We Will Vote:

College educated people who don’t care how many brown people have to die, worldwide, to maintain them in their comforts will vote for Hillary Clinton.

People not college-educated, who don’t care how many brown people have to die, worldwide, to maintain them in their comforts will vote for Donald Trump.

People who do care about brown people dying worldwide to maintain Americans in their comforts, and want to prevent that and redefine “their comforts” around this principle, will vote for Jill Stein.

People who don’t want to pay taxes no matter what, and so don’t want the US government to spend money on anything, will vote for Gary Johnson.