Tag Archives: humor

Turbo Encabulator Direct Air Capture of CO2

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So far, I have resisted invoking the Turbo Encabulator when writing about Climate Change, because I wanted to simplify the argument being advanced in favor of decarbonizing civilization. But, perhaps that was a mistake, and I should have had more faith in the public being able to appreciate a technically focused presentation.

I realize now that it is essential for the public to know that Direct Air Capture of Carbon Dioxide by Turbo Encabulator Extractive Gaseous Reemulsificative Processing by Catalytic Diplexification is THE ONLY method of decycling the accumulated atmospheric carbon dioxide and methane and nitrous oxides, as well as the engorged oceanic plastic waste and bioaccumulative microparticulate inclusions of the biodiverse infundibuluum.

I will begin drafting a brief forty-one page extract for anticipatory publication in the immediate distant future. Be on the lookout for that.

For the basics on Turbo Encabulator technology, see the following instructional videos:

Technical Jargon Overload
https://youtu.be/aW2LvQUcwqc

“Turbo Encabulator” the Original (well, almost)
https://youtu.be/Ac7G7xOG2Ag

The History of the Turbo Encabulator
https://youtu.be/kkH20fNavoI

Chrysler Turbo Encabulator
https://youtu.be/MXW0bx_Ooq4

Introducing the innovative new Micro Encabulator™
https://youtu.be/u4ILnWpi8XY

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The Truthiest Reality of Global Warming

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An omniscient individual on my electronic social media splattergram expressed skepticism that the 0.04% of the atmosphere made up of CO2 could possibly have any responsibility for causing global warming, now also known as climate change. It seems clear to me now that with each passing day more people will stumble upon this startling insight, and the whole carefully constructed edifice of climate change ideological mass conditioning for social control might suddenly crack apart, and our civilization fall into ruins. So, I have decided here to break with my scientifical colleagues and to finally reveal the heretofore hidden truth of the matter, the truth behind the truth, in essence: the truthiest reality of global warming.

The true cause of global warming is: the reductio ad absurdum electro cyber auto savanting effect, or RAAECASE. This amazing and complicated effect unfolds as follows.

Popular fascination with the agnotological euphoria — also known as “brain wiping” — induced by the Internet has led to a rapid and vast expansion of viewing on the world-wide-web, and as a result of meeting this demand a rapid and vast expansion of banks and banks of electronic data machines — “computer servers” — continues to be assembled to maintain and transmit that voluminous cyber traffic. These machines are electrically gluttonous and energetically inefficient and so expel copious amounts of waste heat that is increasingly warming the atmosphere. The energy for cranking the electric generators that in turn power our modern pyramids of Internet computer banks is being supplied by fossil-fueled combustion (with a tickle or two of nuclear power), and some of that furnace heats adds to this Internet heating of the atmosphere.

As more and more people — billions and billions — fixate on their electronic telescreens, and for longer and longer periods of time, their evolutionarily atypical indolence in combination with their marked preference for junk beefish burger consumption so as not to interrupt telescreen viewing with old-fashioned knife-spoon-and-fork dining rituals has led to an explosive popular fattening known as gluteo-lipid maximization, more commonly known as maxipratty.

To feed that maxipratty-inducing Internet mass fixation there has been a massive worldwide expansion of the junk beefish burger cattle processing industry, requiring vast clear-cutting of jungles and forests to accommodate sprawling cattle feedlots from which increasing quantities of anally emitted intestinal methane bubbles (known as AEIMBs in the technical literature) are released into the atmosphere, and warming it by adding cattle gut heat (CGH) to it: billions and billions of cows producing gazillions and gazillions of CGH bubbles.

With the double metabolic explosion of a maxiprattizing world population growing by 200,000 people every day there are gazillions of new human cells added to the human biome every minute of every day, and each of those cells is a metabolic engine that needs energy to sustain itself, and thus is also a heat radiator, and all that human body heat soaks into the atmosphere to heat it up.

So, to put it bluntly, global warming is caused by fat asses getting fatter worldwide and billowing off heat because the eyeballs associated with them have glued the wiped brains they sprout from to the artificial unreality onlining across their telescreen portals to higher levels of dumbfoundlessness. The Internet is causing global warming: the reductio ad absurdum electro cyber auto savanting effect. And this is NOT man-made climate change because the Internet isn’t human! Ipso facto truthiation exacto.

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Two Samurai Duel

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Two samurai, Isao and Kyuzo, each seeking saki and shelter during a night of heavy rain, became aware of each other seated separately on the tatami mats around the same low table in the bar of a country inn. The weather discouraged both travel (retreat) and outdoor swordplay, while samurai nature required evaluation of a rival’s skill (and all samurai regarded each other as potential rivals).

Talk being largely unnecessary among samurai, Isao picked up a cherry from a fruit bowl on the table, tossed it up into the darkness hiding the ceiling, then in a flash unsheathed his katana, twisted it blade up and sliced, and two halves of cherry, one pitted and one with pit, fell to the table on either side of the blade.

Kyuzo chuckled, picked up a cherry and tossed it up into the darkness above them, then all in a flash unsheathed his katana, twisted it blade up slicing, then twisted it blade down slicing, finishing with the sword held level and its blade horizontal. Two halves of cherry, pitted, fell on the table on either side of the sword, and the pit rested on the flat of Kyuzo’s blade.

Isao was impressed but not put off. There were a number of flies buzzing overhead, attracted by food that was still out, and the leftovers and scraps that had not yet been cleared away. One bluebottle fly was circling them annoyingly with a heavy buzz:

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

Isao pointed to it and said “watch.” He stood in a calm stillness like a tree in a forest, while the fly circled him.

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

In a flash he unsheathed his katana, slicing in an arc to his right —

Zuzu-uuP! —

then rested for a moment at the end of his stroke, and carefully sheathed his sword. He pointed with his outstretched palm to a part of the floor, and when a lantern was brought up close the two neatly sliced halves of the fly could be seen.

“Not bad,” said Kyuzo, and pointing to another big bluebottle fly, said “watch that big boy.”

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

He stood in a calm stillness like a tree in a forest, while the fly circled him.

Zuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzuzu…

In a flash he unsheathed his katana, slicing in a tightening arc to his right twisting into an upward cut —

Zuzu-uuP!-Zeeeeeeeeee!!…

Kyuzo sheathed his katana, as the fly raced around erratically, issuing its excited high-pitched buzz,

Zeeeeeeeeee!!…

Isao conceded.

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The above is my elaboration of a story I learned from Tom FitzPatrick, an avid rugby player, in 1978. This story is part of the vast, earthy oral tradition among rugby players. While presenting it here as text helps to preserve it in cyberspace, the audio effects which are intrinsic to an oral presentation are missing. The following “sound” definitions of letter-strings used above may help:

zuzuzuzuzu… = low-pitched, buzzing sound,

zeeeeeeeeee… = high-pitched buzzing sound,

uuP! = the sudden cessation of a low-pitched buzz.

A photo of Tom FitzPatrick’s chalkboard in February 1978 (Ah, boy talk in student days):

Future News Of 2013

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“Tomorrow’s news today!”

NRA headquarters in the “blue states” are coming under fire from mobs of angry protestors demanding gun control legislation. An NRA spokesmen on Fox News declared: “This fits in with what we believe, which is that the American people need their 2nd Amendment rights in order to defend their democratic freedoms.” Asked if this meant that the NRA accepted being fired upon — so far only seven NRA officials have been shot in the sieges — and did not want police protection, the NRA spokesman said that “on the contrary, we believe that the use of more guns is always the answer to any situation, even when it comes to deciding which group of shooters in a firefight has the greater amount of 2nd Amendment rights.”

The Mainway Reality Company has begun sales of homes in its new soon-to-be-beachfront development, Prudhoe Bay Shores, on Alaska’s North Slope. Savvy investors are swooping in to scoop up these half-million to two million dollar properties along what is anticipated to be a vacation destination shoreline in a decade. Each luxury home is accompanied by a large garage for multiple SUVs, and a boathouse and dock for storing and mooring various watercraft. While these properties are some miles inland from the present shoreline of the Arctic Ocean, the president of Mainway Reality is confident of reaping large profits from this venture. “It won’t be long before the sea arrives and these property values skyrocket, this is the next Miami Beach” he predicts. The rush of buyers seems to prove him right, and the planting of palm trees along the streets of Prudhoe Bay Shores continues.

In a case bought (well, brought) by Goldman Sachs, and bolstered by a host of amicus curiae briefs by large banks, The Supreme Court has agreed to review the constitutionality of the 13th Amendment to determine if the present prohibition of reducing a person to slavery because of bankruptcy or a refusal to pay debts, such as underwater mortgages, is unconstitutional. “The property rights of investors are central to our society,” a spokesman for the pro-slavery suit declared, “and the Court should correct the legal error that permits flagrant personal irresponsibility to deny the rightful return-on-investment those investors anticipated.”

A nuclear reactor at the Three Mile Island power plant in Pennsylvania has fallen into a large sinkhole that opened under it following a recent period of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” for the extraction of geologically trapped natural gas under the surrounding area. Because cooling lines to the reactor were severed as it fell, it is overheating and melting its way deeper into the earth. A spokesman for U.S. Outgas, the fracking company, denies responsibility for the disaster, claiming “it was obviously the result of an earthquake, and had nothing to do with our operations.” Seismometers have recorded earth tremors occurring as each of the other forty-six recent sinkholes in Pennsylvania opened up. All were over trapped gas deposits.

The Chinese Communist Party is buying the entire Swiss banking industry for $1.7T, the value of its holdings in US securities. The Chinese government’s purpose is to bolster its citizens’ confidence in itself, as explained by the Minister of Finance. “Now our politburo members can deposit their personal holdings in the Chinese Swiss Bank without fear of being seen as corrupt,” he said. The Swiss bankers have invested their Chinese gains by buying the entire banking industries of Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Monaco and San Marino, and continuing their business as before.

The Greek government enacts a solar energy export tax. “We believe the solar energy Greece receives is an important natural resource that must be used for the benefit of the Greek people,” said the Minister of Finance, “so we are enacting a tax to recover such benefit from the solar energy that is removed from our country.” Hardest hit by this new tax are German and other Northern European tourists, who must now have their tans measured before leaving Greece, by a melanin density optical scanner, which assess their skin darkening and hence their absorbed dose of solar energy as against a standard un-tanned skin tone for their region. Despite initial fears that the new tax would devastate the Greek tourist industry, it has been at success at generating much new revenue, which is applied to Greece’s foreign debt. As one Greek tour guide said, “they may have the banks up there where it is cold and grey, but we have the sun.”

The continuing FBI investigation of e-mail on personal computers linked to possible security leaks from the US State Department and the Pentagon leads to the offices of the New York Times, where it is discovered that the editors and op-ed writers are all secretly reading manuelgarciajr.com to guide them in anticipating the public mood, for purposes of control and in crafting their own editorials that copy those manuelgarciajr.com insights they think they can get credit for. “It’s absurd to think we collude with government to control the public, or that we would be influenced by such an insignificant publication as manuelgarciajr.com,” said a spokesman for the Times. In a related development, drones have been seen circling over Oakland, California, headquarters of manuelgarciajr.com.

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The above is the raw material I submitted as my contribution to the 2013 edition of the blended work of humor published by Swans each New Years. (I modified the last item for this blog). You can enjoy the collected bonbons at:

Infamous Predictions for 2013, by SWANS
http://www.swans.com/library/art18/xxx148.html